Light Reclaimed by Teja Rhae Watson

Author:Teja Rhae Watson [Watson, Teja Rhae]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-956744-78-1
Publisher: Dagmar Miura
Published: 2022-12-22T00:00:00+00:00

Now.

Billie dries out on her rock in the middle of the river. The sun warms her numb, red legs. The last place to defrost is her pelvis.

And then there it is: something cold inside of her, something metal. The feel of it. That’s why she’s often felt a coldness inside her—it wasn’t some metaphor, some lesbian thing; it was a very literal memory. She can feel it now. Cold, metal. A pinch on her insides. Some device inside her.

A speculum. Growing up with a mom who didn’t take very good care of her, she never went to the OB-GYN when she was a teenager. When she was a little older and on her own, she didn’t want to go then either. She had an aversion—for good reason, she realizes now.

So she’s never seen a speculum, or—she’d thought—felt one in her. She saw them used in an art installation once, and as soon as she remembers the cold, silver contraption, the machine opening, getting wider.…

That happened inside her. That was what she had remembered as something growing in her, exploding.

It couldn’t have been Ann then. Why would she have a speculum? Petra despised everything medical. Billie knows Petra has specified that she wants to not be resuscitated, if she ever loses consciousness and ends up in a hospital; she would never let herself be taken to a hospital if she was conscious. Billie grew up hearing her complain about doctors. No way would she ever have had anything to do with a speculum.

She turns over onto her stomach. Feet dangling in the water, she turns her head to the side and watches a red dragonfly fly around her, then land on her arm, in the sun. Billie watches it: moving, then still, moving, then still.

She hears Crow caw nearby. The crow is known for its intelligence, she knows, even helping to solve puzzles.

This is the only way to do this, she thinks. Discover, incorporate. Go in, and then come out.

As she wades through the water to her clothes, and the cold water hits her genitals, it gives her a shock, which she now understands. “Fuck!” She shakes her head, droplets flying like sparks.

Reaching the bank, she finds a sunny spot to warm up in. Holding out her arms, she opens her body to the warmth.

She puts her clothes back on—my human suit, she thinks: black jeans, black hoodie, worn gold high-top Vans—and, seeing it’s almost six, decides to go straight to the lodge to meet Randall.

On the way, she feels some relief at having cleared Ann. It feels right. It wasn’t that, what I felt from her. It was her discomfort about me not knowing about her and my mom. Billie’s distrust of the woman had come partly, too, from her inherent suspicion around her mom’s intentions—guilt by association. But she would never hurt me. Billie imagines a future world in which she and Ann talk openly about her and Petra’s relationship, and her mom’s health.

And that picture of me in her room—it’s just a good photo.

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